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Battery Dead, Cannot Jump Start, No Central Locking etc

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I tried to start my car and I get nothing, no sound of an attempt to turn over, no lights on the dash, plus the central locking won't work (this is a 1999 Astra G). Not the usual sound of a flat battery with the starter motor trying to turn over.... just nothing.

The battery is completely flat (no lights on my battery charger and 0.03V on the meter). So I tried to jump start it but still there was absolutely nothing when I turned the key and no dash lights. I tried another battery and still...

Battery Dead, Cannot Jump Start, No Central Locking etc

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